No more...

It's amazing how after awhile you realize how much better off you are from changes that have happened in your life.

I know that i myself have re-evaluated my life many times but my long term goals never seem to change. I go through phases, change and adapt, move and surround myself with new people...

I'm ready, ready to move on now.

Living life like a book title...

So, as many know... I work in a massive book shipping company and i see book titles galore. I've gotten into this habit lately were i think that every book title relates to me in some form or fashion. It's quite ridiculous really. I've found books on everything under the sun but lately I've been getting a lot of books on; "Ten ways to screw up your relationship", "Killing Fields", "Travel to Cambodia", "How to deal with the loss of a loved one", "When it's Over", "Get over yourself", and "FU Penguin". Which I feel are all relating... haha.

I find more everyday that just make me laugh, especially, when i try to relate them to my life in someway. Its become sort of an obsession now and it makes the long days go by much faster. Though, I feel like one of those people who are obsessed with scrabble and end up walking down the street shouting out random words, yep, that's me. "Every book in the world relates to my sad pathetic life". haha.

I think about my ex constantly, which is extremely unhealthy... but i miss her. I'm trying to move on and it's horribly backfiring. I still want to be with her and can't help but wish things were different now.

But this video makes me laugh... and i get a second of happiness, which is nice.



It makes me feel as if i'm not the only person that has ever went through this and there are still happy times to come.

And... i'm going to live out of a backpack and convert one person at a time to love me (since i don't have any musical talent).

If you think i'm fine, it just ain't true...

I've never felt anything in the world like this before... now i'm missing you and wishing you'd come back trough my door. I really need you in my life. You got me feeling lost...

If you think i'm fine, it just ain't true...



This is defiantly going to take time. This is a little bit more than I can stand.

I'd Rather Be With You...

My relationship ended yesterday. My emotions are unstable and i can't help but wish there was something that I could have done better to persevere it. I took off the necklace she got me in Egypt and it broke my heart. I think; i finally took it as an official sign that it was over and it made my body ache all over.



I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone else right now. I'm horrible at them and this one was random and so amazing... and I screwed it up, like normal. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, if I just leave it alone maybe when she gets back from Asia we can start something simple and try again fresh. Something slower paced. I don't know if i'm hoping for too much or if it's a lost cause. I just don't know... but what I do know is enough to try.

I laid awake all night long reminiscing of the little things, simple things, that made me fall for her... and it's not about spending every waking moment together or making plans and whatnot. It's about finding that person that gets you on a level that no one else does. It's about connecting.

It's also about supporting that person in what ever they want to do, and if that means no more us. Than i'm going to be supportive with her decision. I have to.

Follow her down.

I read something disturbing today, not sure how i feel about it and quite frankly i don't even know if i care anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore, like at all. I want what i had and what i had is gone. Change is so freakin' annoying sometimes, then again if i was where i was at then, i wouldn't be happy either. I can't find satisfaction in anything anymore... nothing seems to make me happy for very long.

I can't stay in one place too long and i can't stay with one person too long either. I get bored or they get bored. I need to be constantly moving, i wish i could just find someone to share that part of my life with. I don't think i'll ever find it though.

Man, when i'm down hearted, i'm down hearted. haha.



I'm pretty sure my relationships still on unstable ground. I don't even know how to process it... I'd like it to be just fixed or over. This in between, inconclusive thing is impossible to deal with. When i write to her i'm constantly afraid to write what i'm feeling... i want to keep the conversation carefree and non-smothering, then on the other hand i just want to tell her that i love her and have it reciprocated. I always feel foolish when i write to her because i'm almost sure she doesn't feel the same anymore. It makes me feel pitiful. I don't want to be the inside joke between her and her friends. I don't know what to do anymore, i'm about ready to just quit replying and give her time to figure out what she wants. But then again, i don't want to do that either. I really want it to work, but i think the timing is all bad. We both are at stages in our lives where we don't know what we want or how we should feel. On some levels i sympathize with her feelings because a lot of them i share too. I know that when i was her age i thought i wanted a serious relationship, but when they happened, i couldn't stand it and wanted them over. At the point i'm at now, i really just want someone to share my life with (not too serious, like marriage or anything) but someone to be with. It feels like this relationship is crashing though, our "love dam" is leaking (love dam haha somebody get the love mortar).

However, i still don't want it to end because i know how i'm going to feel when it happens. She's the first person i've ever been in a mutual relationship with. All my previous relationships my heart wasn't there... this time it is. I'm so hesitant to let it go, i think i'm afraid i wont find it again.

Moving Again?

Okay, so you probably guessed it from the title... i'm moving again. This coming week i will be packing and freaking out about finances and time, just to pick up and move again in January.

Today, my greatly needed day off, i've spent drinking hot tea and watching Grey's Anatomy... all day long. Tomorrow however, will be the start of a stressful month of working, packing, and moving. The good news though, is that i'll have my own space again, WOO! Pretty excited for that and also that by the end of this i will be a pro at packing, having moved three times in the past six months.

To add on excitement; Yesterday, i spent the entire day with an old high school buddy. Miss Ashley herself. We spent an elaborate day hiking in the woods up to lakes with beautiful scenery and sharing precious memories. Not to mention, clearing thoughts and sharing past memories again. She's leaving for Tanzania in October so it's really nice to spend some good ole quality time together.

Hopefully, come the time i move to Portland, i will be sharing many more memories with her and enjoying the city life together.

Here are some pictures from our adventures:

The Larger Lake:

Ashley 'n' Ashleigh:

...

The Smaller Lake:


Wishing everyone a wonderful upcoming week!
~Ashleigh

Smashing Pumpkins - In The Arms of Sleep

I'm so lost. I'm not sure how to say this... we can make this last. I know it's hard to have to dedicate but i really do feel for you, more than i've ever felt about anyone else and i'm afraid that if we let it go, we wont be able to get it back. I really don't want to lose you.

This is hurting so bad because i want to spend time with you before you leave and i don't want memories of this detached ... relationship. It's like it's over already and it just hurts. I know you need space and time to figure it out. I'm just afraid that by the time you figure out what you need to figure out... our time will be gone. And i'll be here, hurting more than ever.

I want to let you have all the time in the world that you need. I'm just sad because i know i wont be able to see you... and if we do see each other we're going to be in this awkward space.

i just don't want it to end like this... but if you want it to end then that's just something i'll have to deal with. Just know that i care for you truly and deeply. And always will.

Could i be pushing her away?

It seems i never realize when enough is enough. I never know when a person wants more attention or less attention. When do you know?

Okay, so I write... a lot. Mostly about random things, i never seem to have direction in any of my letters, nor blogs for that matter. Today though, i really want to talk about relationships, and when you can tell that you're smothering your partner or they're pushing you away. Key signs? Share your key signs?

Despite all the times she/he professes their passionate love for you, do you have the sense to guard your heart in case there is possible means of harm? Or do you just brush it off, file it as a mishap and move on without a care in the world. Is it wrong to safe guard your heart?

I almost feel like i close myself off as soon as the relationship reaches having potential. Afraid of commitment? I don't even think that it's that, really. I think being raised by a single mother, a very independent single mother, and having your father walk out on you... not to mention step fathers leave as well. You just get detached on the need to have someone, at least i do. I think once something starts getting good, i push it away, them away; like it's too good to be true, that it can't happen to me. Am i the only one who does that?

I really want to make my current relationship work, how do i get out of this vicious cycle? Should i talk to her and tell her about my past history of detachment... do you think it will push her away? I just don't want to fuck up this time.

Friggin' Happiness Fairy

Where is my friggin' happiness fairy?

Today started off late, i tried to convince myself that standing up after an entire night of drinking was a good idea. Of course, my body begged to differ and I laid in bed for several hours... it's now two in the afternoon and i'm just now showering. heh.

Monday i start my new job at a mass book shipping company. It will be nice to start saving up some money for when i move in January. Everyday January gets closer and closer... but now even though its fast approaching i'm feeling better about it and sure looking forward to it. Thank God for income. Relieves the pressures of how i'm going to pay bills. Besides the fact that Stephanie will be in SE Asia, so i wont have any guilt in working long hours and not taking anytime off to spend with her.

Speaking of Stephanie; She returns at the end of this coming week from her five week backpacking trip. That makes my heart jump with happiness... I'm looking forward to Bumbershoot in Seattle. It feels like ages since we've spent time together. I think it's more the fact that we spent so much time together and then stopped cold turkey. Hopefully, Bumbershoot i'll be able to spend four or five days with her before she takes off for Asia. *crosses fingers*

Other than those highlights, the weeks been full of apartment searching and some good ole health drinking. I can't really think of a better way to spend my time, besides with Stephanie in Portland.

Keeping you updated in the happenings of...well, Me.

Yours Truly,
Ashleigh

Centralizing Servicing Center

Yeah, i know i suck at this whole blogging thing. I try so hard, okay... so i really don't, but i do think about it (occasionally). Anyway, i'll update y'all on the happenings of my 'oh so exciting' life. ha.

I'm an now officially living in Southern Oregon, not for long though. I'll be moving to Portland in January. Why? Well, i'm still working on answering that question for myself. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl(who happens to live in Portland, go figure).

Just in case y'all forgot what i look like, here is a photo from...well like two minutes ago. heh. Nothing special, but i wouldn't want you to forget what i look like... because i'm so self-centered like that. haha... no really i'm a narcissist. Bwahaha. Really i'm just yanking your chain, i'm convinced... i'm wonderful though. haahahahahhaha... okay, i'll stop.



I went to a Tegan and Sara Concert in LA back in... well when ever that was. Had a great time. Went with my GF and some friends, it was my first time to LA... had to do all the normal tourist things like go to the wax museum and walk hollywood blvd. Not to mention, go to Amoeba - the world's largest record store. Was defiantly up there on the must do's. I appologize for not having any pictures to post of this adventure.... i was quite twitterpated at that time and all other things ceased to matter.

After that i spent what didn't seem long enough in Portland with my GF. We traveled to the coast (Canon Beach) and did what every loving couple does. Build Sand Castles.



But this was after an exhausting five mile hike up a coast trail.




Then we all stayed in a hotel and walked the boardwalk with the sunset. This picture was taken before she fell off and i sort of saved her... well i guess you could say she fell, i caught her, but she still banged her face into my abs of steal. haha. Needless to say she ended up with a bruise on the bridge of her nose. Twas very cute though.



Now, she's on a five week backpacking trip working on trails, building fences and saving endangered species. So humanitarian-like of her, makes me like her even more. And i'm... well, doing nothing as cool as her besides hanging out at the river and kayaking. Such a hard life i have. I really should be looking for work, but you know how that goes.



Oh, and i had the official talk with my mum about my girlfriend and i being more than friends... and of course i came out too. And came out to my close friends. Other than that wow... a lots been happening.

Oregonian?

Yesterday, i officially proceeded to pack my remaining things at a house i've lived in for a total of four years. At first it was very sad to think that i might never find that security or space ever again. I mean really how often does a 21 year old own 37 acres of property? It's a rarity these days... and really, even though i technically still have the property, i'm no longer living there and am trying to start anew and find better opportunities for myself.

Today i left Cali. at four in the morning... having A/C is a necessity if you want to travel in the heat of the day. pfft... a/c the "thing" i don't have at the moment, cuz im freakin' poor!!!! Anyway, i made it to Oregon... loaded down with stuff, lugging up the Siskiyous at an excessive speed... well maybe not excessive, recessive speed of 45 mph. FUck my life! lol

Man, it feels like forever since i've blogged.

List of things to do:
... will be a better blogger. (i'll try to work on that).

HOW MANY - by Tender Forever

How many?

Who did it?

Oi... I am so sorry guys!!! I really suck at blogging i've realized. I can't seem to find the time in my busy schedule here of late. I'm trying!!! Updates of my super boring yet satisfactory life: First of all, my semester here in Sacramento is quickly coming to an end... yay for that! Second, I haven't made my bed in days... fail on my part. Third, I really haven't went to sleep before 3am for the past couple weeks. Fourth, I'm sure you guys are annoyed with this already... haha, wait... and (just one more) Fifth, I went on a date got plastered and can't remember a thing. I feel like it was a success! =) I do remember the bar tender really liking me and getting two rounds of free drinks, im afraid i can't go to terribly wrong there.

Oh, and the new guy that cleans the grounds around my apartments is creaping me out. He hangs out around my apartment at ungodly hours of the night. I mean he was there until like midnight last night... He's a stereotype of a horror movie antagonist. If I stop blogging for longer periods of time than i have, please check the dumpsters. And last night I was called "Doll", "Gorgeous", and "Sweetie", all as nouns. I still maintain that I am not cute, I am DANGEROUS. So'sa he'sa best watch out!

Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell for the past couple of weeks that i haven't blogged. Not to exciting, but now i feel better that it's off my chest. heh!

Oh my my my...

I think this video officially made my world.


Oh, Shane...

Sorry it's been so long guys, these last days i have been so tied down (haha)... with homework and stuff of course *winks*

As for life in general, only three more weeks until the end of the semester. Woop Woop! And then it's off to Oregon, well northern California, then Oregon. I really don't have much to say guys besides that video is fuckin' HOTT (yeah, with two T's).

Doing everything i shouldn't...

Voting for school representatives isn't easy, especially when you've been out of the loop for the whole semester. I think the only reason i voted was for the free hot dog, does that make me a bad person? To top it off i didn't even vote for the guy who gave me the hot dog (i didn't feel he was qualified). Man, I'm horrible... giving him false hopes like that. Now i feel bad, i wonder if they'll let me re-vote? heh, i still don't think he's qualified though. It took me two hours to review all the candidates and come to a rational decision. ...all over a hot dog?! Oh well, i took part in the election, when i wont be around next semester to see the effects.

hahahahaha, okay i have to break. This couple is yelling outside my apartment, and it's hilarious. GIRL: "YOU FUCKING BASTARD, I DON'T CARE... YOU FUCKIN' SUCK IN BED ANYWAY. CAN YOU JUST LEAVE!!!! / YOU'RE A PUNK ASS" GUY: "I WILL BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS GIRL, DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT/ I'LL MAKE YOU SQUEAL LIKE A LITTLE PIG" GIRL: " O REALLY!!! COME HERE, SHOW ME/ ASS HOLE!!!"...

Man, life around here is exciting. Anyway, after i voted... i ended talking to these two sisters (as in religious, Jehovah's Witnesses) about learning Chinese. I myself was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, and believe it is the truth (for the most part). However, I am the rebellious child with tattoos, piercings, and is probably potentially gay. Big no no, in their line of thinking. But what's a girl to do? My Mum is disfellowshiped, meaning that none of the brothers or sisters of the congregation will talk to her because they felt she was sleeping around (known fact). Love my MUM!!! On my ma's side of the family however, my Gran and Aunts are JW's and they too rarely speak to my mum unless it's about me or my sister. Kinda BULLSHIT, at least that's what i think. The whole situation is kinda screwy, in my book. I'm extremely close to my mum and my family for that matter, even if i don't agree on somethings.

I can't help but think i disappoint them. Well, i know they're disappointed because i have all my aka worldly things i value, and of course that i don't attend meetings (church) anymore. I am blazing my own path at the moment... figuring somethings out, that need figurin'. Today, my Gran and Aunt finally found out i have a large visible arm tattoo... not that i was hiding it or anything, the subject just hadn't come up. Thank Goodness, they're three hours away... i probably would have been attacked. This way they have time to cool off before i visit, hopefully (fingers crossed).

Other than that, i laid out by the pool today... soakin' in some of those beautiful sun rays. I have super noticeable tan lines now, like BAM!!! YOU'SA GOTTA WHITE ASS!!!! And i wear a string tied bikini so the strings from my top are permanently on my body from the red to white squiggly lines of the knots. It's very attractive... maybe, maybe not?

God DaMN!!! Break again. Now, my upper neighbors are fuckin' at it, what is this? Fuckin' hate day?

"Spread the luv, it's earth day!!!(said in a freakishly girly voice)."

SOOooo, yeah... my ass is white and i have hot tan lines. Want to go out? haha...

After watching "Gay Gods" episodes on You Tube, i'm thinkin' that Stephanie and Luke are Awesome... yeah, if you're are reading this S or L, you're Awesome. Like cheese cake awesome, and let me tell ya... i really love cheese cake. haha, kinda creapy. For all you others if you haven't seen them, go check 'em out.

This post is getting a little over elaborate, so I'm gonna cut it off here pretty soon.

High Points of the Day:
*Hot dog
*Talking to the fam through phone with no physical inclinations.
*Blinding white asses, they make everyone's day.
*Potentially coming out.
*Gay Gods, sweet ass!

'Til i'm sick of it...

Benefits of living in Sacramento...
(1) The weather is uber nice all the time, even when it rains (which is rarely).
(2) It's really not that big at all.
(3) A great majority of the people are nice, contrary to my cousins beliefs.
(4) People in the city cut their grass everyday. I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
(5) There are constantly naked PETA protestors on the streets. Painted Green, i might add.

Dislikes of living in Sacramento...
(1) There is no place to wash your car unless you want to pay a fortune.
(2) All the streets downtown are one way. wtf?
(3) It's a city. Being so i have to lock my car, everywhere.
(4) I'm unable to walk outside in my skivvies... big downer.
(5) I miss my dog, but would never bring him here.

You'd miss him too, look at his face.



...

As for the uber nice weather, i went out and sat in the grass today, contemplating my career choices and whether i'm heading where i should be heading or not (where that is i'm not sure).

I mean at what age do you reach the point where everything needs to be figured out anyway? My plan is to live out of a backpack and travel, until i get sick of it. Which could be very soon, i like to shower. Nah, i have lots of plans, but that's the problem... i have so many.

...

On point, my friends are summoning me to go swimming... so here's a picture.



I'll try to write soon.

Put on your dancing shoes...

Hear i am, Rock you like a Hurricane!

Last night i decided to drive to San Francisco and go dancing... woop woop! Twas marvelous! I have nothing to say besides i couldn't lift my arms this morning. =)

I had to take a power nap just to function properly... then it was like i had massive OCD compultions. I cleaned the entire house, top to bottom, washed all the laundry (including Camerons), and then after all that i re-arranged all my cd's and dvd's in alphabetical order. Yeah i know, i'm strange. For getting very litte rest i'm a little tweaked in the head, i think.

I'm going to take a run next and then settle in with a soft blanket and a movie (after i shower of course). yay! I'm thinking 'Some Kind of Wonderful' what do you think? I love the opening scene with Watt's playing the drums, i love Watt's. Maybe i'll just watch the opening scene and pick something else... haha.

Yep, now i'm satisfied... what should i watch now? humm...

Support that Hawk...Quin-ige...

So today i completely hacked my hair off into a somewhat punky style. I mean literally there are chunks missing in spots. I can't use a straightner anymore, it looks completely ridiculous when i use the straightener... i have to roll with the shower towel dry, messy look. Which is sweet because i've never been able to do that, like ever. I'm the person who spends hours on my hair and it's always been short. How that's possible, i don't really know... i am not a girly girl but the hours i spend on my hair is equal to the hours that my friends spend on their makeup so, i feel no quilt.



At this moment, as i sip on my wine... i'm having love/hate feelings towards my hair. I love the thought that it's going to be super easy to style but as for the actual style, i think i would have liked it a little longer on top. But that's the beauty of hair... it grows out, i'm sure i'll love the slightly grown out part of the style. Or i can just support the Hawk, hahaha, it doesn't look so bad as a slightly messed up Mohawk.



As for the day, it was quite uneventful. The sun was out and it was beautiful and warm, people were holding hands and doing all that lovey-duvy stuff. It sort of made me jealous at points... i saw this incredibly cute couple and was in awe... then i realized i have no special someone at this particular point in my life. Which on a level is probably a good thing, i am way too self-obsessive here of late. I think if i had someone, i'd be a bad girlfriend anyway... i really don't have the time or patience to dedicate to someone right now. So completely involved in school and my life that at this point i wouldn't want to suscept any one person to that sort of pain. I'd rather spread it over many... haha, no not really. I think right now i'm just better off hanging out with friends and stearing clear of relationships. Besides i'm about to move and it would just be cruel to impose a relationship on someone and then take off. Even though i am great at long distance relationships, i love to travel so, the distance never seemed to matter in past relationships.

God, blah blah... i'm talking so much about, well hell... i don't even really know where any of that was heading. New topic: Ahh, Tegan and Sara... Oh Sara... Oh Tegan. There are no words to describe them... I went through a faze today, listening to all their CD's, youtube videos, and watching the documentary DVD as well as a documentary on Fred Astaire... I love Fred Astaire, when i'm sick i just watch Fred Astaire movies all day long... it's my medicine.



Anyway, like i was saying i went through a Tegan and Sara obsession faze today. I think these are two of the songs that i can just sing over and over. I can relate to them so well and i just feel a connection with these songs. Here have a listen:

Not Tonight...


I know, I know, I know...

Slightly disturbed...yet awesome.

I was going through bands that i absolutly love and picking out the videos that i think are frickin' awesome... Here are some of my top picks, not limited to but definatly deserve notice. Enjoy...

Placebo...

Concrete Blonde...

Tool


I'm in such a weird, slightly disturbed mood right now. Today started off insanely fast. Due to the fact that i woke up at four and then lied in bed hopeing to fall back into a blissfull REM cycle of dreams. No, not happening... the freakin' birds outside forced me from my soft bed in an attempt to undermined my need for beauty sleep. I apologize for all the videos but i had to...

Cheaky little bastards...

The day is young, yet, oh so very lively this morning. The birds are singing (hella off key i might add) at my window making it impossible to sleep or even snooze. I've resorted to listening to my ipod and watching, with ambivalency i might add, the changing of digital numbers on my oh so fancy alarm clock. Pondering the very thought of actually preparing for my Moral Philosophy course or just unknowingly letting the minutes slip by until i need to leave.



I think i'm definatly going to go with the procrastinator path and unknowingly let the minutes slip by, possibly even until i'm late. Swell plan, swell plan indeed.

Damn birds, I blame this all on you... you're solely responsible for my ambivalent procrastination. Cheaky little bastards...





Yeah, i'm thinking you should find another tree somewhere in this God foresakein' city and plant your feathery asses in that tree instead...

provoking a Savage attack...

This is how we roll, Olive Oil and I...




I was just thinking about how strange i am. I like weird music, weird movies, do weird things, and if i think i'm strange, than i am. ha ahh... damn, not so funny.



Hahahaha, sorry i just had to laugh. That video makes me laugh everytime... "provoking a savage attack".

Random Outbursts of Idiocy...

Today, i had a random outburst...

Get this i was walking along, minding my own... when, 'Don't go breaking my heart' by Elton John and Kiki Dee came on my i-pod. You can't help but start dancing and singing to that song... i had the motions and faces down too. My mom used to watch this video with them in it and i was obsessed with the song (still am). That and 'My Boogie Shoes' by Casey and the Sunshine band. Haha, i dance to that one too...

Back to the story though, i had this random outburst, scared the girl walking next to me (and i know what you're thinking and i'm a surperb singer) made the people around us laugh. It made my day just to know that i had made everyone there smile.

Did i mention Kiki Dee is fine!


If you have no idea what i'm talking about you must watch the video...

Offically incorporated to undeniable urges

As of now, i offically accept that i have a craving to write about anything and everything that pops into my head at various moments of the day. This is going to be a personal blog for all those crazy times that fingers should indeed touch keyboards.

This is I... unraveled and untainted.

As for the title of my forum, 'roll With it... upHill' a sense of self that i have been developing for a while now. To tell you the truth, when i developed the saying i was having an out of mind experience and i just felt it fit my life perfectly. The saying, 'Just roll with it' never seems to work for my complicated life... so i developed 'roll With it... upHill' as a counter defence attack to say that it's never really that simple. Life always has a way of throwing a curve ball, little unknown factors to test how well we can react in that particular moment. No matter how well we react it seems we're always rolling uphill and against the normalities of society.