Follow her down.

I read something disturbing today, not sure how i feel about it and quite frankly i don't even know if i care anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore, like at all. I want what i had and what i had is gone. Change is so freakin' annoying sometimes, then again if i was where i was at then, i wouldn't be happy either. I can't find satisfaction in anything anymore... nothing seems to make me happy for very long.

I can't stay in one place too long and i can't stay with one person too long either. I get bored or they get bored. I need to be constantly moving, i wish i could just find someone to share that part of my life with. I don't think i'll ever find it though.

Man, when i'm down hearted, i'm down hearted. haha.



I'm pretty sure my relationships still on unstable ground. I don't even know how to process it... I'd like it to be just fixed or over. This in between, inconclusive thing is impossible to deal with. When i write to her i'm constantly afraid to write what i'm feeling... i want to keep the conversation carefree and non-smothering, then on the other hand i just want to tell her that i love her and have it reciprocated. I always feel foolish when i write to her because i'm almost sure she doesn't feel the same anymore. It makes me feel pitiful. I don't want to be the inside joke between her and her friends. I don't know what to do anymore, i'm about ready to just quit replying and give her time to figure out what she wants. But then again, i don't want to do that either. I really want it to work, but i think the timing is all bad. We both are at stages in our lives where we don't know what we want or how we should feel. On some levels i sympathize with her feelings because a lot of them i share too. I know that when i was her age i thought i wanted a serious relationship, but when they happened, i couldn't stand it and wanted them over. At the point i'm at now, i really just want someone to share my life with (not too serious, like marriage or anything) but someone to be with. It feels like this relationship is crashing though, our "love dam" is leaking (love dam haha somebody get the love mortar).

However, i still don't want it to end because i know how i'm going to feel when it happens. She's the first person i've ever been in a mutual relationship with. All my previous relationships my heart wasn't there... this time it is. I'm so hesitant to let it go, i think i'm afraid i wont find it again.