Living life like a book title...

So, as many know... I work in a massive book shipping company and i see book titles galore. I've gotten into this habit lately were i think that every book title relates to me in some form or fashion. It's quite ridiculous really. I've found books on everything under the sun but lately I've been getting a lot of books on; "Ten ways to screw up your relationship", "Killing Fields", "Travel to Cambodia", "How to deal with the loss of a loved one", "When it's Over", "Get over yourself", and "FU Penguin". Which I feel are all relating... haha.

I find more everyday that just make me laugh, especially, when i try to relate them to my life in someway. Its become sort of an obsession now and it makes the long days go by much faster. Though, I feel like one of those people who are obsessed with scrabble and end up walking down the street shouting out random words, yep, that's me. "Every book in the world relates to my sad pathetic life". haha.

I think about my ex constantly, which is extremely unhealthy... but i miss her. I'm trying to move on and it's horribly backfiring. I still want to be with her and can't help but wish things were different now.

But this video makes me laugh... and i get a second of happiness, which is nice.



It makes me feel as if i'm not the only person that has ever went through this and there are still happy times to come.

And... i'm going to live out of a backpack and convert one person at a time to love me (since i don't have any musical talent).

If you think i'm fine, it just ain't true...

I've never felt anything in the world like this before... now i'm missing you and wishing you'd come back trough my door. I really need you in my life. You got me feeling lost...

If you think i'm fine, it just ain't true...



This is defiantly going to take time. This is a little bit more than I can stand.

I'd Rather Be With You...

My relationship ended yesterday. My emotions are unstable and i can't help but wish there was something that I could have done better to persevere it. I took off the necklace she got me in Egypt and it broke my heart. I think; i finally took it as an official sign that it was over and it made my body ache all over.



I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone else right now. I'm horrible at them and this one was random and so amazing... and I screwed it up, like normal. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, if I just leave it alone maybe when she gets back from Asia we can start something simple and try again fresh. Something slower paced. I don't know if i'm hoping for too much or if it's a lost cause. I just don't know... but what I do know is enough to try.

I laid awake all night long reminiscing of the little things, simple things, that made me fall for her... and it's not about spending every waking moment together or making plans and whatnot. It's about finding that person that gets you on a level that no one else does. It's about connecting.

It's also about supporting that person in what ever they want to do, and if that means no more us. Than i'm going to be supportive with her decision. I have to.

Follow her down.

I read something disturbing today, not sure how i feel about it and quite frankly i don't even know if i care anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore, like at all. I want what i had and what i had is gone. Change is so freakin' annoying sometimes, then again if i was where i was at then, i wouldn't be happy either. I can't find satisfaction in anything anymore... nothing seems to make me happy for very long.

I can't stay in one place too long and i can't stay with one person too long either. I get bored or they get bored. I need to be constantly moving, i wish i could just find someone to share that part of my life with. I don't think i'll ever find it though.

Man, when i'm down hearted, i'm down hearted. haha.



I'm pretty sure my relationships still on unstable ground. I don't even know how to process it... I'd like it to be just fixed or over. This in between, inconclusive thing is impossible to deal with. When i write to her i'm constantly afraid to write what i'm feeling... i want to keep the conversation carefree and non-smothering, then on the other hand i just want to tell her that i love her and have it reciprocated. I always feel foolish when i write to her because i'm almost sure she doesn't feel the same anymore. It makes me feel pitiful. I don't want to be the inside joke between her and her friends. I don't know what to do anymore, i'm about ready to just quit replying and give her time to figure out what she wants. But then again, i don't want to do that either. I really want it to work, but i think the timing is all bad. We both are at stages in our lives where we don't know what we want or how we should feel. On some levels i sympathize with her feelings because a lot of them i share too. I know that when i was her age i thought i wanted a serious relationship, but when they happened, i couldn't stand it and wanted them over. At the point i'm at now, i really just want someone to share my life with (not too serious, like marriage or anything) but someone to be with. It feels like this relationship is crashing though, our "love dam" is leaking (love dam haha somebody get the love mortar).

However, i still don't want it to end because i know how i'm going to feel when it happens. She's the first person i've ever been in a mutual relationship with. All my previous relationships my heart wasn't there... this time it is. I'm so hesitant to let it go, i think i'm afraid i wont find it again.

Moving Again?

Okay, so you probably guessed it from the title... i'm moving again. This coming week i will be packing and freaking out about finances and time, just to pick up and move again in January.

Today, my greatly needed day off, i've spent drinking hot tea and watching Grey's Anatomy... all day long. Tomorrow however, will be the start of a stressful month of working, packing, and moving. The good news though, is that i'll have my own space again, WOO! Pretty excited for that and also that by the end of this i will be a pro at packing, having moved three times in the past six months.

To add on excitement; Yesterday, i spent the entire day with an old high school buddy. Miss Ashley herself. We spent an elaborate day hiking in the woods up to lakes with beautiful scenery and sharing precious memories. Not to mention, clearing thoughts and sharing past memories again. She's leaving for Tanzania in October so it's really nice to spend some good ole quality time together.

Hopefully, come the time i move to Portland, i will be sharing many more memories with her and enjoying the city life together.

Here are some pictures from our adventures:

The Larger Lake:

Ashley 'n' Ashleigh:

...

The Smaller Lake:


Wishing everyone a wonderful upcoming week!
~Ashleigh

Smashing Pumpkins - In The Arms of Sleep

I'm so lost. I'm not sure how to say this... we can make this last. I know it's hard to have to dedicate but i really do feel for you, more than i've ever felt about anyone else and i'm afraid that if we let it go, we wont be able to get it back. I really don't want to lose you.

This is hurting so bad because i want to spend time with you before you leave and i don't want memories of this detached ... relationship. It's like it's over already and it just hurts. I know you need space and time to figure it out. I'm just afraid that by the time you figure out what you need to figure out... our time will be gone. And i'll be here, hurting more than ever.

I want to let you have all the time in the world that you need. I'm just sad because i know i wont be able to see you... and if we do see each other we're going to be in this awkward space.

i just don't want it to end like this... but if you want it to end then that's just something i'll have to deal with. Just know that i care for you truly and deeply. And always will.