Could i be pushing her away?

It seems i never realize when enough is enough. I never know when a person wants more attention or less attention. When do you know?

Okay, so I write... a lot. Mostly about random things, i never seem to have direction in any of my letters, nor blogs for that matter. Today though, i really want to talk about relationships, and when you can tell that you're smothering your partner or they're pushing you away. Key signs? Share your key signs?

Despite all the times she/he professes their passionate love for you, do you have the sense to guard your heart in case there is possible means of harm? Or do you just brush it off, file it as a mishap and move on without a care in the world. Is it wrong to safe guard your heart?

I almost feel like i close myself off as soon as the relationship reaches having potential. Afraid of commitment? I don't even think that it's that, really. I think being raised by a single mother, a very independent single mother, and having your father walk out on you... not to mention step fathers leave as well. You just get detached on the need to have someone, at least i do. I think once something starts getting good, i push it away, them away; like it's too good to be true, that it can't happen to me. Am i the only one who does that?

I really want to make my current relationship work, how do i get out of this vicious cycle? Should i talk to her and tell her about my past history of detachment... do you think it will push her away? I just don't want to fuck up this time.

Friggin' Happiness Fairy

Where is my friggin' happiness fairy?

Today started off late, i tried to convince myself that standing up after an entire night of drinking was a good idea. Of course, my body begged to differ and I laid in bed for several hours... it's now two in the afternoon and i'm just now showering. heh.

Monday i start my new job at a mass book shipping company. It will be nice to start saving up some money for when i move in January. Everyday January gets closer and closer... but now even though its fast approaching i'm feeling better about it and sure looking forward to it. Thank God for income. Relieves the pressures of how i'm going to pay bills. Besides the fact that Stephanie will be in SE Asia, so i wont have any guilt in working long hours and not taking anytime off to spend with her.

Speaking of Stephanie; She returns at the end of this coming week from her five week backpacking trip. That makes my heart jump with happiness... I'm looking forward to Bumbershoot in Seattle. It feels like ages since we've spent time together. I think it's more the fact that we spent so much time together and then stopped cold turkey. Hopefully, Bumbershoot i'll be able to spend four or five days with her before she takes off for Asia. *crosses fingers*

Other than those highlights, the weeks been full of apartment searching and some good ole health drinking. I can't really think of a better way to spend my time, besides with Stephanie in Portland.

Keeping you updated in the happenings of...well, Me.

Yours Truly,
Ashleigh

Centralizing Servicing Center

Yeah, i know i suck at this whole blogging thing. I try so hard, okay... so i really don't, but i do think about it (occasionally). Anyway, i'll update y'all on the happenings of my 'oh so exciting' life. ha.

I'm an now officially living in Southern Oregon, not for long though. I'll be moving to Portland in January. Why? Well, i'm still working on answering that question for myself. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl(who happens to live in Portland, go figure).

Just in case y'all forgot what i look like, here is a photo from...well like two minutes ago. heh. Nothing special, but i wouldn't want you to forget what i look like... because i'm so self-centered like that. haha... no really i'm a narcissist. Bwahaha. Really i'm just yanking your chain, i'm convinced... i'm wonderful though. haahahahahhaha... okay, i'll stop.



I went to a Tegan and Sara Concert in LA back in... well when ever that was. Had a great time. Went with my GF and some friends, it was my first time to LA... had to do all the normal tourist things like go to the wax museum and walk hollywood blvd. Not to mention, go to Amoeba - the world's largest record store. Was defiantly up there on the must do's. I appologize for not having any pictures to post of this adventure.... i was quite twitterpated at that time and all other things ceased to matter.

After that i spent what didn't seem long enough in Portland with my GF. We traveled to the coast (Canon Beach) and did what every loving couple does. Build Sand Castles.



But this was after an exhausting five mile hike up a coast trail.




Then we all stayed in a hotel and walked the boardwalk with the sunset. This picture was taken before she fell off and i sort of saved her... well i guess you could say she fell, i caught her, but she still banged her face into my abs of steal. haha. Needless to say she ended up with a bruise on the bridge of her nose. Twas very cute though.



Now, she's on a five week backpacking trip working on trails, building fences and saving endangered species. So humanitarian-like of her, makes me like her even more. And i'm... well, doing nothing as cool as her besides hanging out at the river and kayaking. Such a hard life i have. I really should be looking for work, but you know how that goes.



Oh, and i had the official talk with my mum about my girlfriend and i being more than friends... and of course i came out too. And came out to my close friends. Other than that wow... a lots been happening.